Well, my new year's resolution was to spend a reasonable amount on therapy, which for me is the equivalent of 1.5 hours, but I knew that was expecting too much of myself after doing an average of 7 hours a week last year, so I compromised with myself, on a plan for 2.5 hours a week, plus her rates went up a bit which didn't help.

Six weeks in, it's not going well.

I have cut back some, last week was 5.5 hours, but I need to definitely cut back more.

I have a difficulty being disciplined about spending in my life in general. I AM starting to see gains, where I can tolerate more anxiety about money, and I have touched on the subject more than once in therapy, but I need to spend less *soon*.... I am in over my head in debt.

I have a decent plan:

1. 90 minute session Monday to do in depth work/talk issues
2. 30 minute session Thursday to do DBT/skills/concrete work
3. One paid email session.

I am also thinking about switching my 30 minute to Friday, so I can plan on one paid email session during the Tues-Thurs. gap, maybe that will help a bit, then I'll just cope with the weekend, or maybe a super-brief check in email, and then the nice long session on Monday.

The reality is different though. For example:

1. I spent 90minutes resolving a miscommunication that bothered me last Sunday
2. I had two extra email sessions.
3. My 30 minute Friday session turned into almost 70 minutes.

I feel like I can't get enough of my therapist. She's really special to me and I'm in a very stressful period: last week I was dealing with four extra stressors (dentist which triggers me, kid home from school, major blowup with my husband, and doubling my workload on the job) along with the normal issues/stressors.

The thing is- the way my life is now IS going to be really stressful, long term, at least the next probably.... one year period, and so... I just have to cope with that, I can't pretend the stress level will drop next week and I can't pretend I'm going to win the lottery, sigh.

My judgement is: Therapy is worth spending significant money on. My issue is not that the time is excessive: the time in therapy has meant huge gains in my life, but... although I think it's a good investment, I just don't have the means to realistically afford it. So, I have to cut back without thinking it's a good idea, that makes it harder.

I think I need an accountability partner or something, like anti-spending pocket riders, haha. Someone to remind me the money I'm spending does NOT grow on trees in the backyard, and even though I have good credit, I do NOT want to be paying this back the rest of my life.

When I feel stressed and anxious, I've been willing to spend almost anything to feel better, I'm not used to have anyone to help me feel better, and now that I have her... it's extremely difficult not to turn to her. (I did also reach out to find a couple friends to socialize with and rely on, and that helped some, but between the holidays and a chaotic January, I've lost touch with them, am hoping to fix that.)

I did ask her to start working with me on DBT skills, and I have made some small gains with that in the last couple months, working to manage my anxiety and my triggers. I think changing to the Friday session will help too, so... maybe I'm making a bit of progress... I just really need to find the discipline/motivation/support to get the spending in control.

I know I will feel better once I do.

Please don't blast me for being too dependent on my therapist.