This is what an emotionally mature parent would probably do. But my mother isn't an emotionally mature parent. Immature doesn't equal abusive, though...

I know I don't need to keep punishing myself for this (although my mother seems to think otherwise). I guess I just wish I knew what the truth was, because I have all these thoughts and stories in my head which are very traumatic and frightening, but what's even more traumatic and frightening is not knowing if my brain is being honest with me or not, or if I can trust it. Because if it's lying to me about this, what else is it lying to me about?

I know what you're saying makes sense, Asia, and I appreciate it. I guess it's just...my brain. It's stuck on this.

I guess I'll keep punishing myself so long as I continue to go around telling people my mom kicked me out when I was thirteen, because it's simpler and easier to swallow than the truth. I told this story to someone yesterday because it felt right to me. It felt more right when she asked me about my relationship with my mother to say that she kicked me out than to tell this whole complicated story that may or may not be true and makes very little sense. And I got empathy for it. And that felt good. So I keep telling it.