I'm talking about the moment when she abandoned you, washed her hands of you- that was the failing I referred to - of course you didn't want to go back!

I'm not saying she has no mothering instinct at all, most women do have some, but that you're so focused on forgiveness, empathy, self doubt, I think you're missing out on the really important truth: your feelings are valid. Honor them, express them, have them. I know it's hard to live with that ambiguity, but... trying to talk yourself out of them... I don't think it's long-term helpful.