I definitely relate to your feelings of guilt and what you're going through. I've been there and sometimes, I'm STILL going through it. A few months after I started working with T, I found his dissertation. Hey, it was published on his university's website! In his acknowledgments, he mentioned his wife and children. So, curiosity got the best of me and I used my Google skills to find out more, a lot more.

Guilt eventually got the best of me that I knew a lot of personal things about T and he didn't know I knew these things. So one day I told him. He was mad, REALLY mad, but I didn't know that until much, much later. In fact, just the other day, nearly 9 months after I told T what I knew about him, he admitted how much my actions hurt him.

Nevertheless, our relationship has grown stronger because I was able to explore WHY I wanted to know more about T, and that gave me insight into another aspect of my self and my personality that I kind of always knew, but denied vehemently, but because of my actions could no longer deny and instead was forced to work through.

If your T is professional, caring, and understanding, they should be able to accept what you did. Be prepared that they may be hurt and upset, and even angry, but as my T told me, when I begged him not to be angry with me, I needed to let him have those emotions. However, I think you will feel MUCH better for telling T what you did, it will remove the guilt from you and perhaps you will have the chance to look into the motive behind your actions and grow from that introspection.

It won't be easy, and it won't be painless, but it IS part of therapy and it WILL Be beneficial in the end.