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paynful · Feb 23, 2014, 01:48 PM

"My head betays me half the time. One day, it tells me I am a god. The other, it tells me that I not only rule hell, but I invented it." --Katy Evans

I need advice (or encouragement, I guess) on whether or not to seek medication again and which. I am scared sh**less. Terrified into being paralyzed.

I don’t want to write an epic, but you need to know some background info to really understand my predicament…

I have been depressed all my life. It runs in my family. My first AHA! Moment that I KNEW I suffered from it was when I was 10 years old.

Due to my parent’s divorce/custody issues, I was put into court-appointed therapy at age 5. When you are that age, you don’t realize how smart you are. I learned the therapy “tools” and how to express myself. Unfortunately, I used them to tell the adults what they wanted to hear, so they would leave me alone. Talk therapy does not help me now, because I already know what they will say. I stopped going to my weekly therapy when I was 11, but have been going on and off ever since (but not in the last 6 or 7 years).

When I was 15, I started drinking, smoking, acting out, and cutting. I just wanted a distraction from my internal pain, or maybe I just wanted the physical pain to match the emotional pain. I’m not sure, but that is the best explanation I can come up with.

There was a very traumatic incident that involved having something slipped into my drink and needing a rape kit preformed. Luckily, I only sustained mental/emotional damage. But that is what led to being put on antidepressants.

I tried several different kinds, but ended up taking Welburtrin. I was on it for 8 years, never knowing that it actually amplified my severe depression into suicidal ideations (while I was cutting, and hoping to die, I never actually tried to end it – my grandfather killed himself when I was 8 so I knew what it would do to my family).

I ended up having to take, at least, 6 other medications to deal with the side effects. These included meds for: migraine, nausea, anxiety, insomnia, something to help me get an appetite because I was wasting away, and eventually I had seizures.

When I was 22 years old, everything hit a boiling point. I had a major surgery (breast reduction). I was taking pain meds for 7 days after surgery. On the 8th day, I switched to regular Tylenol. I was out of control. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was experiencing a type of allergic reaction. It was pretty much a psychotic break. My family was forced to call the police. I was hospitalized for 8 days.

Talk about a reality check. It made me reevaluate everything. I even ended things with my manipulative bf from a pay phone while still in the hospital.

It took about 2 years, and the support of my sister and mother, to wean myself off of everything. What a difference. But I didn’t exactly do it with nothing.

I was encouraged by my sister and mother (which threw me because my Ma has never even smoked a cigarette let alone any drugs), to smoke marijuana. While it is not legal in my state (or rather the law JUST got passed), it changed my world. I could take myself out of panic attacks, I could eat, sleep, and even got back my ability to smile. What a change. But I wasn’t “numbed” like I was on Rx drugs. It was like hitting a pause button long enough to redirect my thoughts.

I suffer from clinical, severe and seasonal depression. I have social anxiety, and during the winter months, I become almost agoraphobic.

After my sister moved away, I had to find a new source/supplier for my pot. My best friend (I’ll name her as E), helped me on this front. However, the past winters, I just cut myself off from the world and suffered, because while E knew of my issues, I had never wanted her to see me this way. I took a chance and let her stay close with me this winter. It ended up back firing on me though. Well, I won’t bore you with the details, but she hung me out to dry in a very callous manner at the peak of my depression cycle. I have been without any coping meds/pot going on 3 weeks now.

While (I hope) the worst of it is behind me, I am still very much struggling. My mother has asked me to go see a doctor for Rx. Because of my past experiences, I am unwilling to consider antidepressants. I have no one to turn to for pot. But I guess I have to think about something to help with the panic attacks. I have enough problems without bringing in anything habit forming as a solution.

I decided to call for an appointment at a walk-in tomorrow. But what do I ask for when I get there? Should I really ask for anything? If I could trust them, I would just let them evaluate me and give me what they think I need. But I DON’T trust them. If it is legal in my state now, how do I ask for a Rx for marijuana and what in form of it would they have it (pills or something that I smoke/eat)? I don’t know what to do, but it is more than obvious that I need more help than I can give myself.

Once again, sorry for the epic. Thanks for reading. Any and all suggestions are welcome.