Hey,

One thing we are working on at the moment is me asking or telling my friends when i'm sad or need a hug etc..or even saying I have a headache.. because I can't express sadness in my voice or body language in front of people... ps - I don't have family to go to.

No matter how bad i feel inside, I'll just say 'i'm feeling ill' happily and jokingly as if i don't care and am totally unfazed by it - but all i need/want is for someone to - i dunno - respond sympathetically - but the whole being scared of rejection stops me i think.

For example. i might be really upset in my room (not crying because i can't) but going over thoughts/stressing. Then my friend will come in and i'll suddenly - just like that change - and it's not fake. I'll be happy confident me and we'll chat and laugh. But then my friend will leave and i'll go back to that upset state.

Last session I think we established that i've learned that I feel i need to deserve attention or attention is only given in 'incidents' like: crashes - police - hospital. This could be why I always want something bad to happen - want to go back to my abusive past and why I go over past memories/ have flashbacks etc - because they are 'incidents' where I got some I guess comfort from Police/social services presence.

It's not my friends, they'd do anything for me, i'm lucky. It's me and I promise i'm trying. I just feel each time i go back and say I 'didn’t do my homework’ i’m letting T down.

It seems so simple just to say can I have a hug or i'm really not feeling great today i'm a bit sad. I know my friends would respond positively - But I've tried to say things and I can't, even after friends have confided in me - i just go all happy me - also I can't be sad over nothing can I? Nothings happened? I don't want to unnecessarily upset or burden people.

Ahh. Any help or advice or can anyone relate? Would be much appreciated!! 2.5 days till I see T and I want to do my homework for T and myself - because I really do think it will help with everything.

Thanks