I get so crazy on Tuesdays, the day I see my T. I see him at 5 o'clock, so I have to get through the whole day of work. Then I see him, and after an hour, it's gone. A whole week of waiting, only to wait a whole week again. I hate that.

During the day, I think about what I would like to tell him. I think about poems I'd like to read, dreams I'd like to talk about, but it doesn't usually go the way I planned it. I'm fine with that because I firmly believe that what needs to come out, will. BUT, after seeing him for a year and a half, I still have a really hard time with the premise of being able to say whatever I want to say in that room. That it's okay. Every week, I dream of going in and feeling the freedom to be completely honest. I am much better than I used to be, I used to not want to say anything at all. He always tells me, "Just talk." But it's hard. He knows that. He never pressures me. I think I pressure myself. I want to experience the same freedom with him, that I do when I write poetry-- the ability to say anything, no holding back. I have trouble going over my poetry with him because that reveals complete opennenss.

I feel empty. I want to talk about that with him today.