...and here I am on PC procrastinating. Ugh. Its a quarter past one in the morning here in London, I get up for work at 5.45 and I NEED to write this crap tonight.

I have been having memories to do with csa. Or rather, reframing things I always knew, looking at them in fresh light and waking up. There's also a vague shadowy sensation of something lurking, I don't know what it is but it doesn't feel good. I need to get it out of my head so I can go to work feeling relieved. That it's not just me anymore, wrestling with wondering wtf and what it all means and am I gaslighting myself or the total opposite - am I being melodramatic about what doesn't amount to very much really...

It's so difficult when you're not sure which bit of your brain to trust

I could take a diazepam instead of writing the email, but I think I'm ready to examine the grim. I think I'm even going to mention the word that nearly made me have a fit of hysterical panicked laughter/tears and run out of the room. I couldn't write it down before, but I think I can now.

Strange. I'm very reluctant to actually write this email, but I know in my core that I'm ready now.