I need help. For months I have been experiencing extreme irritability basically nonstop. It's unrelated to moods as I don't feel I am in or have been in any particular mood episode. My med compliance has been shaky, I will admit. Stopped taking everything early December to about mid January when a mild depression hit...took trileptal again but only up to 900mg...missed doses every so often. Missed the last three days because I've been sick with a flu like virus and unable to stomach it. The week before last I experienced a moderate depression possibly linked to my menstrual cycle, but it only lasted five days. Besides that I thought I had been stable. Definitely hypo thoughts but no energy change, no restlessness, no racing thoughts, no lack of sleep. Just normal, really - confident, productive, etc.

But I am so irritable. With everything. My husband speaks and I don't care what he has to say, it pisses me off. I snap. I *****. I yell. It's horrible and disgraceful how I've been treating him.

I don't know what to do. I can't stop myself from being horrible. And it's only at home. When I'm out I get irritated but I can keep it together. Why can't i do the same at home?

What I did today was inexcusable and honestly makes me feel like I deserve to die, but that even death is too good for me. I considered leaving home, going to the city to hide out and be homeless because it seems to be the only punishment I deserve. My son will be SO much better without me and my husband would be happier too.

I won't mention what happened because there are eyes everywhere and you never know who could find it. But suffice it to say I am disgusted with myself. I don't know what to do. I've been saying for three years now that I will control myself better, not let my anger and frustration gt out of control, remain calm in the face of adversity and I ****ing fail every time. I'm disgusted and my son deserves so much better.

Seriously I know it sounds like I'm depressed but I swear I am not, at least I wasn't until I did what I did. I am just so sensitive. I don't know why today was worse than any other day except I guess I'm still recovering from the virus.

I just don't know. I have to do something. What do I do? How can I control this irritation? Especially since it's not mood related? What if it's just my personality....what if I'm just a horrible ***** underneath it all? I've always thought I was terrible. How can I stop this? If I didn't have my son I'd just leave my husband so he could have a better life and be miserable on my own but that's not an option. I don't want my son to think I don't love him.

I don't have a pdoc or a therapist right now. I never found one after my IOP ended in December. I don't really know where to go to find one, either. I have a hard time calling people. I can go back to the agency I was with before but I hate that pdoc. I thought she was dismissive of me during a crisis last summer and made me feel like she thought I just wanted attention. Seems like when my insurance changed I lost a lot of pdoc options.

Someone just tell me how to fix this before I lose my family forever.