Dear T,

Ok. This transference thing hurts so ****ing badly. I hate it. I am crying tonite thinking about how our time is probably coming to an end. Why is it coming to an end in my mind? Well.....just cause my mind likes to wander over there, or better yet, drag me kicking and screaming into the worst possible outcomes.

You know what sucks? That it shouldn't matter so much, T. Your usual caring demeanor is nice but it shouldn't be so important to me. I mean, i pay you to see me. I know this is most likely reflecting my childhood **** but you know what? I don't think this pain will ever end when I picture it being related to other people from the past! I think with you, I imagine it could somehow get "fixed" but the past is the past.

Ugh. I have to give you up, don't I? And how do I do that? And how do I get better? And how do I trust you enough to move forward in the process when I don't know your next move? And why don't you give me more to go on?

My heart hurts, T. I wish I was stronger...