I understand the thoughts!!! I too ride the wave of difference depending on the day. At this time I really am trying to get into the deep parts of actions more than reasons. I am accepting facts that "I" am weak, my fight has been another mask of strength or defense. I have quit my second therapist and am looking to get with a schema or cbt therapist as I do believe I need help in the rewiring and insight from a person equipped to better understand my issues. After a year of recognizing my thing I really never took it for what it was. I am now!! I am sick of living this way, to not even know who I really am. Mind boggling to say the least. The darkness has always been with me and will get much darker before it gets brighter. I look forward to the path of recovery. At least I believe this to be true. Denial is another defense to make it easy, to get better we need to be weak and broken, basically who we really are. Good luck I feel the frustration.