She kept asking me how I was feeling and I kept telling her it was a mixture of nothing and I don't know. Lots of repetitive I don't know's in my head. Part of me wanted to be angry with her but I know it's nothing to do with her and I am not one to lash out at the wrong people so easily, but you're right. Everything she said just sounded like muddled water in my head. My brain was just like "Yeah yeah. Ok. It's not my fault. I get it. But it really is. I know that. You know that. Stop trying to sugar coat it. Stop being so nice." My brain hurts. And I've gone back to feeling void. Intense urge to s.h. but I'm trying no tot do it because i'm doing better at not s.h.-ing simply because I have an intense feeling. This week I got in touch with my feelings a bit more than I have in so long and shared the experience with T. I wonder if thats why I felt open to do it. Last time she asked to broach the subject I said yes without hesitation and she chose not to. Maybe she realized I wasn't really ready then, so maybe she knows that I am ready now. But I can't continue feeling like this week after week. She said that processing these feelings will show me that I can survive them but if this is what it feels like and I haven't connected myself to those memories - i'm really not sure I can. I mean I know I can, but I don't really know. This is a lot.