I don't deserve kindness, not this time.

I'm telling you though, there are NO other signs of a mixed episode. No suicidal or SI thoughts (except today), no energy problems, no impulsive acts besides being unable to control my anger, no pressured speech, no crazy ideas, no racing thoughts, nothing that signifies an episode for me. That's why I'm so distraught. What if I'm just a nasty, hateful person inside? I can't remember a time where I thought I was good so...

I don't know. I wish it WAS a mood episode because at least then there would be a reason.