|
Dear abuser,
For a long time I didn't realize that what you were doing wasn't right. You did usually hit me too hard. You didn't usually leave physical bruises, but you left such deep psychological wounds. You were supposed to be the one who protected me, who made sure I was taken care of...you were supposed to make me feel safe. But I don't remember the last time I felt safe around you. You broke me. You treated your other daughter with respect. You babied her. She was your princess....and nothing I ever did was good enough for you. You pitted us against one another.
Abuser, you made me feel like the scum of the earth. You are the biggest reason I hate myself. You told me so many awful things and then denied it. You told me I was worthless, that I was going nowhere in life, that I was a horrible daughter who was just going to mooch off of you for the rest of my life. You made me feel like I shouldn't live anymore. I tried to kill myself because of you. I tried so many times. When you knew I overdosed, you told me that I had and then told me that I better not miss school that day. You didn't even take me to the hospital. You didn't care. You don't care. And that's so hard to know. You're supposed to care...that's what they teach you as a kid, right? That mommy and daddy will always care...but sometimes they don't. And I know that now. You have almost let me die too many times.
Abuser, you pulled me out of therapy because you didn't "see any difference" and said it wasn't helping me, after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. You see things in me that you can't admit about yourself and you need help.
Even now nothing has changed. Even as an adult I haven't escaped you. Abuser, I don't know when I will finally get out, but when I do, I am done. You will have lost me. You will have lost your eldest daughter through no fault but your own. I can't say that I hate you now...because I don't care that much anymore. I just want you done.
|