Hi,

I come here periodically, not because I don't really need it, but because I've resigned, for the most part. I am a bit shocked over the no suicide post rule in the depression group. I feel shunned. It adds to the stigma, I think, and discourages frank communication. Anyway...

I'm writing because I think I just discovered why I am so alone, my friends 86'ed me. My family broke me--I am an orphan basically lost on this planet. So, a few minutes ago, the super in this rat-hell of an apt. came by. He's a good person (with whom I've become friendly), but I didn't want to see anyone Friday. Not only was I physically sick, I was a wreck mentally.I cried. Not sobbing, but a few tears fell out and my voice cracked.

I apologized for my behavior (which was just sad, not so much inappropriate). I repeated that I'd been sick. He looked at me blankly, proceeded to tell me how he hates to see me this way, I wasn't just sick, I was suicidal (am I allowed to say that?) and he just doesn't know what to say.

I don't want to get bitter about this, but part of the reason I'm here is because I was always told to smile, put on. Yea, that didn't work out well for me, but it eased everyone else's discomfort. My other concern is that if he thought I was suicidal, and he just left, what the heck does that mean?

(sigh) I guess I'm just supposed to disappear. So upset, any thoughts would be most helpful.

Thank you,
Emma <font color="purple"> </font>