hey. I haven't been around much lately. It's been a combination of things going good (gasp!) for a few weeks, then me not really knowing what's going on in my head. The self-harm thoughts are back. They generally return every month, as there's that regular trigger, but this month they have stayed past the week... I've talked to my T about this, and she kinda pointed out that I've had these thoughts for a while, but have not acted on them (I haven't cut since November when I was hospitalized, despite a few really rough patches). She thinks my head is trying to find a way to satisfy the need finally. The thing is, the longer I refrain, the more intense the thoughts get. I want to do so much more damage than I've ever done before. It feels stronger this time. I have wanted to shatter myself in the past, but it's never been so... I dunno, resolute? intense? desperate? I'm not going to act on anything, but the images in my head are really graphic and extreme. T suggested I do something "symbolic" either with art, or with food coloring and water or corn syrup. She gets the need to indulge the lust for my own blood, but wants me to do it "safely". It's times like these that I feel really messed-up. Why do I need to see that so badly? It makes me want to tear myself apart. I don't know how to safely get what I need without the self-injury. I know I shouldn't (because of the external consequences and internal judgement), but... the desire is really strong. And with that desire comes the hopelessness. It never leaves. I will never get better for long. I will always struggle with this, and it sucks. What's the point in fighting it if it will always be here? Last time I took a break from si, I was able to refrain for almost 2 years. There was a period of 2 years at a point before that, but it has never gone longer than that. I don't think it ever will... I've been self-injuring for 18+ years out of the last 22. I've tried to quit more times than I can count. This battle is getting old.