Did some work with my therapist today in our session. I'm still wrapping my mind around it. I had emailed her before our appointment about how I had a good week and had interacted with people and even risked self-disclosure, but then later I felt depressed and was crying and I couldn't figure out why. Compare that to all the stress and pressure at work that is coming at me which has produced the same effect.

We talked about the false self and the real self that Masterson writes about.

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"The purpose of the false self is not adaptive but defensive; it protects against painful feelings. It is the nature of the false self to save us from knowing the truth about our real selves, from penetrating the deeper causes of our unhappiness, from seeing ourselves as we really are – vulnerable, afraid, terrified, and unable to let our real selves emerge. A life ruled by the false self’s defense against inner emptiness ends up truly empty. However, it is far from empty of pain, suffering, depression, guilt feelings, and elaborate schemes to deny one’s own best interests. -Masterson

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She said that when the real self starts to expand, the false self starts to react and put up defenses to protect against abandonment. So when you start expressing your real self, you get depressed as a reaction.

Then if you are under the influence of the false self which molds itself to fit the expectations from others of what you want to be, you get depressed as a result.

Finally, if you do risk and the real self evolves you will eventually be abandoned or rejected by someone (not everyone will like you) and that will cause depression.

So you see you are between a rock and a hard place. Almost seems like a no win. However she said the next time I was depressed after I had a good experience to remember that it means that I am growing. Each time it happens it gives me a chance to deal with it and the impact will decrease. She said that it was a sign of recovery because it was caused by the emergance of personality and challenge the false self's defenses.

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"[To] assure himself that he will not trigger the abandonment depression, [the patient as a child learned] to avoid opportunities to express himself, or assert his wishes, or activate what is most unique in his personality …. " Masterson

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Masterson says that you have to go through the depression in order to get well. "As the patient works through the depression, the real self emerges... The real self does not block feelings or deaden the impact of emotions but provides a sense of what is appropriate." - Masterson. Somehow you come out the other side and then depression has less power over you.

I asked her how do I tell the difference between the good depression and the bad depression. She said that's a good question - I should think about that over the next two weeks. She'll be interested to know what I come up with.

W.Rose

PS - I like Masterson's definition of depression. "Abandonment depression is actually an umbrella term beneath which ride the six Horsemen of the Psychic Apocalypse: Depression, Panic, Rage, Guilt, Helplessness (hopelessness), and Emptiness (void). - Masterson