Hi MdngtRain, I'm really sorry about how you're feeling right now. And I may be wrong but it's almost as if your thoughts about your thoughts are tripping you up a bit here if that makes sense?? Of course your thoughts about SI aren't good!! but you seem to be really coming down on yourself about them???
Maybe if instead you you could turn that around a bit more to "challenging" those thoughts of SI and throwing yourself more into substituting something/anything else with them, do you think?? The thoughts are there, they're real for you so maybe tackle those/and what's encouraging them a bit more instead of yourself??
And you said that you'll never get better for long, hey look at you!! You HAVE been better for "LONG". Two years before, since November this time around, considering how hard things sound like they've been for you that's MASSIVE in my book!!!
I know you're really struggling right now, but whatever, you have got amazing strength!! It might be really hard to pull on at times, but it is there!!
And perhaps lose some of that focus on the times you've tried to quit and.....instead focus on the successes (!!) of you managing to hold off for two days, a week......(?) whatever each time you've quit. You HAVE had successes and they ALL count!!
And the "replacing" the thoughts (I don't know whether they will be replaced right now, but perhaps subdued enough to work through them??) absolutely go with the "symbolic" expression, it helps some people but just throw your whole self into it. But nothing wrong with experimenting with other things as well that might ease/subdue/block the thoughts a bit, every little thing can help.
Can I check if you're having regular medication reviews, if you're having medication, as it's coming across as if depression is colliding with everything as well, if not an underlying reason?? Maybe time and changes in medication can help a bit, at least until you've built up a few more coping skills/feel a bit more "in control"???
Here if you want to talk.................
Best wishes
Alison