big ****in surprise. i never know how im supposed to feel and i can never accurately describe what im feeling to myself and to others. before when i thhought about suicide it was just to end it all, so i can not have to think and worry anymore and because i was sad. i dont want to die, but i do.

So here I am googling about where to purchase cyanide - I must have clicked nearly every link on the first ******* page to no avail. Got annoyed when it became apparent that i wont find this easily and we all know id do it wrong if i were to attempt to make it myself.

But now...thers a new motive. see when i saw the effects cyanide has on the body and the symptoms i became interested and I wanted to take a capsule simply because id like to watch myself suffer and die like that. I'm not sad, im just stressed and done with the crap that im too weak to handle. Now im just interested in seeing the body. I cant get cyanide, so that ruins it. I have backup plans though but i was kind of hoping I'd feel the agonizing symptoms of excessive cyanide exposure.

I just dont know what to do. on one hand i want to tell the people im close to how i really feel..but i dont want to make things awkward, and bother them. i always joke about hating myself, and suicide because thats the only way i know how to get it out. ugh. I'm not sure what to do. I dont even know if im sad or not. I dont know what to do.