I'm feeling very confused and hopeless today and just need somewhere to express myself.

I think there are two main things that are making me feel upset today.

1.) I don't know if I really have bipolar disorder. A year ago I saw a therapist and she diagnosed me with bipolar I disorder and told me to see a psychiatrist for medication management. I wasn't sure that I had bipolar disorder so I ignored her advice. Although I have had distinct mood episodes where I was very manic or very depressed that lasted weeks or even months, I more often have days where I go up and down very fast. The going up and down really fast confuses me because that doesn't seem like bipolar disorder to me. Also, I sometimes feel like I'm agitated and depressed at the same time, and I don't know if that is really mania or depression. Because I can be very talkative and impulsive and hyperactive but also suicidal and hopeless feeling. To be perfectly honest, the majority of my suicide attempts in the past happened when I was simultaneously up and down- not just depressed.

2.) I've been trying to see a psychiatrist. I had a suicide attempt a while ago and the hospital threatened to have me committed involuntarily. So I thought I better see a psychiatrist. The waiting list for appointments in my area is very long, but after waiting several months my appointment day arrived. And...I got lost, arrived at the doctor's office 20 minutes late, and they refused to see me because I was late. So now I have to wait until May to see the psychiatrist. If I really have bipolar disorder, it scares me to wait this long to get on medication. I thought about going to my regular doctor to ask for bipolar medication, but I don't know if it's a good idea or not since she is not a specialist.

I'm sorry this post is kind of long and maybe convoluted. I just feel all over the place right now.