I'm so over needing, well wanting to need people. Completely through with it.

T and I had a really hard last session and while I think she was still compassionate and kind and warm - my emotions won't allow me to believe that. So everything that I can remember (a lot of it I don't) sounds nice when verbalized but is interpreted in my head as cynical or condescending. I'm feeling so angry with her for absolutely no reason at all.

I know this is all a me thing, and that i'm just projecting my inner anger, but not enough to convince myself 100% of that.

I just got off an hour long crisis chat that for once, actually made me feel a better and somewhat stronger. The chatter (after discussing my completely unbound emotions) also suggested I not reach out to T about the events and instead work through them in my own way to help me actually identify what i'm feeling.

My T has never my limited emails, and always responds but I see so many stories on here of T's 'reaching their limit' and if that ever happened to me, it would greatly damage the progress we made, maybe even irreparably. So, I am pretty cautious about how much I send her.

And even now, if I did email her and tell her that I don't know how to navigate the emotions I'm feeling right now - what could she really say?

I could talk to friends, but lets just be honest - my friends don't really care about my problems. They really don't even know about them. All they know is that i'm happy-go-lucky Teal who always walks around in her happy little bubble and when she says "i need to talk" they wait a whole freakin' day to respond PROBABLY in hopes that me and my problem would just go away. Every.single.one.of.them. They think they can just wave away my problems with a nap, or drugs, or starbucks, or just by not responding.

I want to talk here on PC, but I feel like i'm being whiny and annoying and people are going to get sick of me. And then I want to help other people more than I do and I can't because I don't know what to say to help them and then I feel selfish posting about my own problems.

The crisis chat guy asked me if who I had in my life - and you know what I realized? I have no one. No freaking body. They're THERE but not "there" - partially because they don't know that I need them, or they don't want to be there for me, or I won't allow them to be there for me because I know they can't be or will eventually not be.

So now, I realize - I need to make some changes. No more looking for people to be there - because they won't. It's safest not to expect anyone to be there. I've done it before so I need to figure out how to do it again from this point.

T says that we 'need' people - but that can't be right. We can't "need" people if there is no one there for us to need. She said "you can survive these feelings" - and I realize - whether someone is there for me or not, provided I don't take my own life (i'm not), in the end i will have survived them. So no, I don't 'need' anyone.