I'm not sure my experiences count as 'sexual abuse', but It has left a lasting impact on my life.

When I was 9-10, there was this older kid downstairs, i had no friends of my own age so we did stuff out together. He had this 'side' to him, he'd see up my pants and stuff, I'd tell him to stop doing it, but he wouldn't, and it's nothing something I'd tell.

But then one day, I was sleeping with face down on my bed, he snuck in, and all of a sudden.... I am very very torn up about saying this but... he started dry humping me. I had no idea what was happening, but It felt good, I did NOT try to get him off of me, I was kind of liking it, as guilty and humiliated as I am in admitting it today. My mother stopped him, she did not know what he was doing, she thought he had pinned after we were 'play-wrestling'. I liked this kid more after that, even though we never spoke about what he tried to do, I thought it was a good feeling. I did enjoy his company all the time.

for the next few years, I only had pleasant memories of this incident, but many years later, I was shocked, and horrified by what he was trying to do to me, and even more repulsed with MYSELF because I didn't try to get him off and had pleasant memories of it too. I felt sick, I wanted to confront this guy, but ultimately didn't want to. 'maybe he changed' I thought?

At 12-13, I was bullied a lot, mostly for being weak, fragile, looking like a girl and because I cried way too easily. There were a bunch of mean kids, who made everyday at school a nightmare. It started just like normal bullying, they'd take my money and stuff, but then it took a more sexual tone when they discovered my weakness. One of my bullies touched my thighs accidentally and this aroused me, and they noticed it like the bunch of sharks they were. They all got together, and just touched and felt up my thigh and would see me get hard. I couldn't control getting arousal, it wasn't 'pleasant' by any means. I would get so aroused that i'd wet myself in front of them, sometimes i'd be crying, which didn't matter to those monsters. They did more horrible things to me like strip me, but I don't want to talk about it yet. They touched me in ways I wasn't comfortable with.

I never told anyone about the extent of my bullying, but I did hint it to my loved ones. They'd ask me to 'toughen up'. I cried almost every single day as a kid, but I don't cry now. Coupled with this is the facts that I was never comfortable as a boy, and often wanted to look like a girl. and the fact that I had confusing sexual thoughts.

I have such guilt because in the past I've had borderline 'pleasant' memories of them, (especially the incident with kid who lived downstairs) even though I never enjoyed it when it happened.

I've changed now, and it's not something I recall fondly, it is actually kind of traumatic now. It makes me sick and disgusted about those people, but I'd like to think it was just a phase they had, and are now completely changed, sane individuals who probably think differently.

Was it abuse or something else? Why haven't I always hated what happened to me? I feel like these incidents have shaped me, in some way? Could it possible?

Just for the record, my understanding of my own self is that I'm Transgendered, and yes, I do feel attraction towards guys.