A year ago today I lay in a coma in a hospital bed on life support. Four point restraints kept me from pulling the tube from my throat while doctors waited to see if I would wake up. They drained multiple containers of fluid from my lungs, a result of respiratory failure. It wasn't like other attempts, even the ones where I should by all rights be dead. This one had no white light, no peace, no images of Jesus professing his love for my soul. This one was instant nothingness. Two and a half days of non existence. When I opened my eyes on March 1st the initial feeling was disappointment. Anger followed when I realized people had saved my life when I made it abundantly clear I didn't want it anymore. Panic was there too. Years of bulimia meant the intubation was making me gag and want to vomit. The gaze of my eyes found the whiteboard and saw February 28th. I thought I had been out for a day and a half. The nurse came in moments later and changed the date to March 1st. She said the tube would be removed in half an hour and I knew I had to meditate to make it through or panic would consume me. My middle finger could reach my leg and I remember thinking, "wow my skin is so soft". I closed my eyes and cried, finding peace. The days that followed with breathing treatments and psych ward were difficult. I wanted to give up many times but knew if three months of Ambien couldn't do the job nothing could. I was stuck here. I wanted it to be a rebirth or awakening of some sort, but couldn't see how that would be possible. Fifty-six days in the psych hospital left me waking up choking on my vomit. It wasn't until August that I had my hope restored. It was then that I finally got honest with one person. Trust heals. In September I traveled to San Diego and let go of pain and memories. Meditation became my go to. Trips to Sedona became my rejuvenation. In December I found the spoken word community and the beauty of speaking my truth. Today I had a conversation with myself, it went like this. Wow, this is a difficult day. I can see how I would think that but maybe it's a beautiful day. Maybe, if I embrace the warm sun and chirping birds I can appreciate the beauty of my surroundings. Maybe today is just another great day in a line of great damn days. I paused and looked around and decided today is a damn beautiful day.