Yes, this is indeed the first time I've talked about the abuse. Never felt comfortable telling it, even online. I've always been afraid of one thing, people viewing me differently after I tell them this.

I have a distrust of people, I keep my secrets well, even if it sort of hurts me inside. I don't have anyone in my life who I can confide with all this. Not a single one. Let alone trust a therapist.

I don't know if these events influenced my sexuality, but before that first incident, I didn't know anything, it sort of introduced me into it. but i think it definitely has influenced the way i trust people, i am generally more trusting of older women, if i ever have to talk. I don't know about therapists, and I'm not very trusting of them for no reason, if you ask me. I'm too obsessed with how other people see me.

The one thing for me is that I forgive the people who 'abused' me but I can't seem to forgive myself. I've read hundreds of stories about abuse, but I don't recall one of them reacting positively, which lead me to believe there is something not quite right? imagine I told this to someone, they could think I'm 'sick'. That's what I've been afraid of. What if somebody gets offended "You think abuse is good?". I know how impulsive people are, jump to conclusions.

I still have my troubles, random things such as books, or tv shows can make me remember it, and i feel horrible sometimes. Most of the time, I'm ok.

I have a lot of confessions to make but not in the depression sub forum, but in the gender issues and transgender sections.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me mazing. It means a lot, I wonder if there are people who can understand me as well as you do in real life. Real life scares me. You tell someone something, and there's no way of knowing if it'll end up in the wrong ears.