I had a very hard time of it and feel horribly guilty on the one hand and no it wasn't my fault on the other. I got clean and sober and divorced at about the same time. My depression got much worse after I got clean and sober. I got her every other weekend and once during the week. I have a very good relationship with my ex wife and so over the years we played it my ear with the schedule.

When she was young and I was newly clean and sober and very depressed I can remember just making hew watch movies for hours while I slept. She was three when we divorced. Thank God she has not memory of me drinking and using although I am sure it affected her even at that young age. I was very selfish about my recovery. Thank god I was not the primary parent. I have always been totally honest with her about the depression at age appropriate times and about being in recovery for drugs and alcohol. It got better over time but there were a period of years when she was young that I just could not stay awake. I would let her play at the neighbors with their kid as much as possible, let her watch movies, color play games whatever I could do to sleep.

Today she is twenty and is doing very well. She had her share of trouble as a teenager. I to worry very much about the genetics. She is in college and is getting good grades, seems very well adjusted, and healthy. I always gave her lots of love and touch. We are very close and can tell eachother anything. I know she has her scars from it and may have issues in the future. She has my personality and genes. Compared to me as a teenager she was an angel but did have her share of trouble.

She recently wrote and essay for college about me and my disease. It made me cry with gratitude because she wrote how close she feels to me and that she can tell me anything and had good memories. Kids are reliliant and most importantly need to know they are loved and loveable. I know she has her bag of crap from it all, but has turned out to be a very well adjusted young lady. I still worry though.