I think the fact that I finally trust a guy and this is what happens…pretty much confirms yet again that they're all monsters (at least the ones I meet). And now how am I going to trust that someone who shows me affection really does care or doesn't have ulterior motives? And I should have known…I mean I knew not to pursue this in the first place but he brought up the fact that I liked him, not the other way around. I had almost worked my inappropriate feelings out on my own so we could have been friends, but he has to bring it up and torture me with them. I don't understand…I just don't understand what I did to deserve this level of emotional/psychological torture. It may be too difficult to explain, but he would alternate between seeming to just like me to rubbing the fact that he already has an off and on girlfriend already. Sometimes in some very subtle and cruel ways. And then after that, asking if I wanted to stay over if I didn't feel "safe" (he knows I'm a recovering self harmer). Because that's not code for he's just going to sleep with me again and make me feel horrible because he feels like he's cheating on someone he's not technically together with now (I don't know how that works…but I didn't consider him cheating until he said that and helping someone cheat goes against my moral code. I didn't realize that that's what I was really doing.) I feel like I've become an evil, awful person by being around him. Not to mention the fact that I was pushing and practically begging for sex until he finally "cracked".