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Originally Posted by RTerroni
I know how you feel I asked my Therapist for a hug at session last week but she told me that she only hugs at final sessions (which is at least an improvement from a prior Therapist of mine) and a few other circumstances. I have been thinking about alternatives to a hug if I am having a very hard session, such as having her sit next to me in the couch and maybe hand clasping, but really haven't gotten into it much with her, and honestly I hope not to have as hard of a session as I had that day again.
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Thank you, RT. I hope you don't have such a hard session either. Most Ts don't offer touch, though I think that's changing from how it was years ago. It was always a fantasy of mine but I didn't think any T would touch me. It really depends on the T's orientation and personal preferences.
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Originally Posted by growlycat
When I first got a hug from main T, it was in my 20's and we had a horrible rupture-y session…I was pacing and bawling my eyes out and he spontaneously held me. It was very healing for me, but I was startled, even scared, by his actions. He later apologized and said he made a mistake--he absolutely should have asked first.
After that, he said I had to ask for one if I needed it, it had to be for me not him, We had to talk about why and the meaning of the request, we had to talk about it to death to be sure I wasn't avoiding words, but in the end he will give me a hug under those guidelines.
I must say, exploring other gestures of caring was so important for me to learn. Sometimes he would not indulge me if he felt I was avoiding talking about how I was feeling. But I think he was trying to teach me a broader language of caring. Among many other things---he would lend me books, we would switch off getting each other coffee, we would go for walks, he would teach me practical things, he would use a soothing voice before jumping to anything physical.
This all helped me in my life to notice the myriad of forms care can take. Without his methods, I would be locked into thinking only hugs=love.
So maybe you and your T could try different things? Can you try her suggestions but of course let her know if it is trigger-y. Maybe you can both brainstorm about this.
My CBT T, on the other hand, only shook my hand in the beginning. But when he gets emotionally involved he will lean closer, or I can tell he is a lot more engaged in what I am saying when he stretches out his leg towards my chair, and his foot rests on the outer leg of my chair. Not even sure he's aware of it. But I am glad I learned to "look for evidence" of care. (because as one comedian put it, "love without evidence…is……stalking." Love that line!)
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Thank you for sharing your experiences, growly. I never had much experience with hugs until I had children; I came from a non-hugging family. It was always awkward when close friends wanted to hug me; I avoided it or simply endured it. I think I was touch-deprived but didn't know how to accept it from people, including my own H.
It's been healing to realize how soothing touch can be for me. I know caring can be shown in many other ways. I like the way your T showed you that. I will have to wait and see what my T says. I forgot to ask her in my email, but there's something she did that was helpful. When she was trying to stop the hand holding, but I didn't realize it at the time, she pulled her hand away slowly and asked if I could still "feel" it when she let go. I could. So, maybe we could do that again.
I never resolved the hand-holding issue with her, and why she "took it away" from me. It puts a different perspective on it to hear that SHE was triggered by it. Maybe I'll have to settle for just hugs, which is okay, and visualizations of being held by my mother, which T says will help me. I could try what she suggested, as I'm in a different place than I was when it triggered me. Still, I don't want to get those "in love" parts stirred up. It's difficult to balance what I need and what's going to harm me. I usually trust my T, but sometimes I don't.