Marmaduke, I am so sorry for your abusive childhood... Was there someone in your life who provided love and guidance to you? You have been incredibly strong to get through your childhood and become the loving person you are today. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that such intense feelings toward your mother, while justified, aren't healthy for you and I hope you find healthy ways to get that anger out. I am sure you will continue on your healing journey and maybe you will become a mom yourself... then you will feel love twice... once for your child and again for yourself. I hope when you see your reflection in the mirror that you see yourself as the lovable person that you are... HUG!!