My ex-wife who was a nurse diagnosed me as bipolar in 1996.(for the record, she also diagnosed her 2nd husband with bipolar-isn't that a strange coincidence-If she diagnoses her 3rd husband with bp I'm going to know something is up!!) I always get super happy when winter is coming to an end and spring is arriving. I usually get depressed in the winter time. When I was diagnosed, no one knew that I was doing a lot of cocaine and LSD as well as drinking alcoholically and smoking a lot of weed. I have read that "cocaine psychosis" mimics the behaviors in bp with many of the same symptoms. But by the time I fessed up about all the drugs it was too late-The doctors had already made their diagnosis and they weren't going to change it. I have told several pdocs about being on heavy drugs at the time I was diagnosed but no doctor to date will "undiagnosed" me. Once you are labeled bp its impossible to shake. Fast forward to 2012-I was very depressed in jan and feb of 2012-felt like I wanted to die most days. But then a strange thing happened. I started going to a Pentecostal type high energy church and got sucked into all the excitement and hype. I got super religious and thought Jesus was going to prosper me like Solomon in the bible. Thats what the church taught. So I quit my job which I hated(customer service rep) and decided to start my own landscape company. I just knew I could not fail since I was saturated in Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I spent about $40,000(all on credit) on a new truck and landscape equipment. But the business didn't go as well as I had planned and all the equipment got repossessed and I was forced into bankruptcy-When everything caved in I went into a tailspin. I ruined my life. Maybe I'm in denial but I blame it on all the sensationalism and emotionalism at the church I was attending and I really believed their message of prosperity. I have restricted visits with my son now(his mom requires a letter from my pdoc saying I am compliant before he can come see me.) If it weren't for my son, I would stop taking my meds immediately but I feel as though I am forced against my will to take the lithium and anti depressants until he gets out of high school. I have never had full blown mania that I am aware of. Perhaps hypomania or over excitement at times but still functional in day to day life. And if I did have hypomania at least I know the warning signs to look for if it comes back.Since all this happened in 2012 I have been in a deep depression for almost 2 years but it is not like a chemical balance type depression. It is more of a situational depression due to my life circumstances of feeling like I ruined my life. I am on Soc Security disability and had to move back in with my parents and I feel like the biggest 47 year old loser on planet earth. I have pretty much just given up on life and don't really care anymore. I feel like I can never hold down another job because I can't snap out of this 2 year depression. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. I am new to this forum and this is my first post.
Any feedback??