I had three bad relationships in a row, I was at rock bottom, the only way I could think of protecting myself from another bad relationship was to give up on them all together. I've stayed single ever since (20+ years). Being lonely sucks, just as bad as a toxic relationship would. The difference is that it is my choice and where I choose to deceive myself that I stay in control.

When I'm in a good frame of mind (people tell me that I'm not always depressed), I enjoy the freedom of being only accountable to myself. When I'm in a so-so state, I console myself by spending a little time fantasising about the man of my dreams who I will meet sometime soon. When I'm depressed, I am consumed by loathing, I bitterly regret the huge compromise I have made to protect myself and I am heartbroken, not for the loves of the past, but for the love I will never know.

To me depression is a punishment, something that I have because I am inadequate, something that is there because I am immature and emotionally stunted, something that I have because I am too weak to embrace life and just get on with living, something that I have to justify my failings, to excuse myself for being abnormal. As well as being a punishment, depression is a manisfestation of all the bad within me, it is the toxic waste from a life spent selfishly, concerned only for myself and indifferent to the needs of others.