I understand your desire to connect with your T in a certain way before you are finished with therapy. I have overcome my fear of connecting, but it took many years with different Ts, and only with this one have I come farther than I ever have. But there is something I have never been able to do, and that is, to cry in therapy with my T.

I've never cried in therapy--ever, and we're talking over 15 years with 5 different Ts. I want to cry so badly, and I tell my T when I feel like I want to, but the tears don't come. For me, the inability to cry with my T means I am not fully connected to her.

I'm afraid of "letting go" with another person, I guess. I can cry as soon as I'm alone. Do you know what you're afraid of? I used to be afraid to look into my T's eyes because then I'd see her looking at me, and that was scary. It's still scary! Are you afraid she'll see you, that you'll feel exposed? I have felt like a little kid who covers himself up because she thinks that if she's covered, you can't see her. If you're not looking at your T, she can't see you.

It's hard to change. What if your T closed her eyes while you look at her, as a start? Then she can't see you looking at her. Just an idea!