Session yesterday went horribly. I walked into the office and took my shoes off (as usual). T commented on my socks. I mentioned that my boyfriend gave those to me. T started to tell me a story from his own life about socks. I interrupted him - I really didn't care to hear his sock stories. T apologized and wanted to continue the conversation from last week. I interrupted him again. There was something else I wanted to talk about first.

The week before, he doubted that the type of village I said I grew up in even existed. I took offence with that - if T won't believe a simple factual statement about where I grew up, will he take my word for anything else? Anyway, I had printed out a few pictures to convince T of the existence of said place. (I felt the need to justify myself, even though I shouldn't have to...) T explained why he had been dubious and apologized.

Then T tried to continue the conversation from last week exactly where we had left off. He started off quoting a strong emotional statement I had made and said he wanted to ask me a question about that. Before he could pose the question, I interrupted him to say that I was in a different head space today. Then he said he would not talk to me about this topic today. (He sometimes won't let me have conversations if he's concerned about the impact of the conversation on my mood, and he noted that I looked happier today than in the previous few weeks.) I took offence because T had promised not to avoid conversations in fear of hurting me anymore, but he had changed his mind.

T asked what else I would like to talk about? I told him the story of how I skipped my own birthday party. Instead of engaging in a conversation on that, he simply said "It takes balls to leave your own party like that." and left it at that. Then he started telling me another story, for the second time this session. I interrupted him again and told him that I wasn't interested.

T apologized, again, and asked me what else I wanted to talk about. I told him there was nothing else on my mind.

And then we sat in silence for 20 minutes. 20 long, awkward minutes. He kept making weird faces (of the annoyed/painful/angry kind). At some point I asked him if he was uncomfortable. He said, "Yes. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

The silence felt very punitive to me. I had "disapproved" of T's choices an unusual number of times this session, and his reaction was not to talk to me anymore. I felt abandoned and betrayed by T. I had trusted T to take care of my feelings, and instead it felt like he was punishing me.

At the very end of the session, I told T how painful that silence had been. T said that the silence had been uncomfortable for him as well but that I needed to learn to say what I wanted to talk about. At that point I got super angry at T. I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about, and HE was the one who didn't let me have that conversation. The session was over at that point.

I AM SO ANGRY AT T RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE TO WAIT A WHOLE OTHER WEEK TO TELL HIM.