Braced-- Positioned so as to be ready for confrontation or danger.

I have been in this mode since the death of my friend. I'm not sure I understand why but I am.

I can't sleep at night because I am braced. I can't breathe because I am braced. My chest and arms are so tight I'm rock solid.

I'm splattered on the ceiling when the phone rings and my heart plummets to my feet then pounds and pounds and pounds until I swallow an Ativan.

Maybe this is because it triggers the fear/reality/reliving of the fateful "calls" coming in that one of my brothers died from an overdose and the other one died of AIDS. Maybe I'm braced against...what?

I've had a lot of blood work done recently too. A lot. That triggers the whole thing too. Needles cause death. (In my PTSD head) My blood disorder causes death. My mother's cancer causes death.