Lol, I'll warn you here: this may be a very long post. I want to include some details to get the best advice that I can.

For 6 years of my school experience (elementary and high school), I was very very quiet. I was afraid of interacting with people, because I was afraid of being rejected (or whatever worse case scenario i made up appeared). I spoke to close to no one, had no friends. But this would jump around;

grade 5-7th, almost silent, no friends.
8th grade (decided i'd stop it, made friends that year, had fun)
9, back tracked to grade school. No speaking to anyone.
10th, someone befriended me that had friends, had friends that year.
11,12th, they moved away, one stayed, but didn't talk to me anymore.

When I say silent, i almost never initiated conversation, when someone spoke it made me very afraid. My voice would be quiet and cracked (due to not speaking for so long), and I'd say as little as I could. I'd stay to myself at all times, choose to work independently if i could.

I'm much better as to speaking to people now, but sometimes I shrink back into this nature. I now have a lot of friends, but meeting new people (especially confident, extroverted ones makes me very nervous) just paralyzes me. I rely on my best friend a lot during social meetings, she usually speaks, and I hang back.

Since high school, Ive gained a lot of confidence, but sometimes something happens at a party, social meeting, etc, and I fall back into this despair that i'll always be this shrinking violet.

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Ive also juggled with the thought of being depressed, but I don't think i am.
I do get really really down, crying a lot, wallowing in self-pity and hate, that can last as short as a week to a full month. I'll may scratch, bite, myself (a mild form of self injury) when im crying, or listen to music very loudly to distract myself.

I go through these mini breakdowns every couple months, but something will usually trigger it.

I hate crying because if i start, i will for a while. Then I get headaches, etc. I often think of death/suicide, but I know im too afraid to actually do it. I don't want to upset my family and other factors, so i tease myself often about being to afraid to kill myself.

SO i go up and down with this, knowing that i actually never will do it, but it pains me to think that i do think about dying.

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Ive told my mom many times I think I have avpd, and she shrugs it off and say that i don't. I've told my brother once, he did the same. Which aggravates me, because they pretend like i havent been alone all these years.

It started in 6th grade, i really wanted to run away (but it wasnt practical, and id end up back at home anyway, and it would just be a big scene). So ive been wanting to be away from my life since then.

i have all the symptoms of avpd. It has lessened since school - a bunch. But I still show them all in smaller ways.

Around 9th grade, I'd just go home and sleep (that was as close as i could get to death) and If i wasn't asleep i felt like i was just wasting time with my life. I wasn't doing anything worthwhile.

Sometimes i'd document this when im upset like this, other times i wont.

Im afraid of telling my family or friends i think of death, i think it'll ruin this cookie -cutout idea that i'm an angel. It terrifies me. I don't know what's wrong with me, like im broken or something.

I do have a positive outlook for the future, that i won't always feel this way, but waiting for that to happen stresses me out, and that i keep going up and down this way for years also makes me very upset.

There's also many other details/incidents that i didnt mention, i don't want this to get too long.

What i'd like to know, is if anyone has any idea what these fantasies of dying mean for me, whether i have another condition?