Need to say stuff, don't want to start a thread afraid no one will respond.

Husband coming home today from trip. Do not want to see his look of contempt when he looks around the house and see it's a mess. Will try to do some work before he gets home and after run kids to this and that practice.

I want to say that I accept that I am mentally ill. It hurts and makes sense. It explains a lot of things. I am a good friend and I'm not capable of the responsibilities of holding a consistent relationship that involves intimacy. I'm sad and have no place or time to let it all out.

Also I want to tell someone in the world that I have come a very long way. Isolation growing up, no neighbors, very very little company over. The "dizzy" one in a group of over achievers. Just checked out more than in, oh well. Then there is the depression, depression, depression and depression. The worst was when everything hurt. There was NO reprieve from the pain. There was no piece on earth. Literally it was like I imagine being on fire would be, it was pain always. Found relief from meds. Very thankful for my Dad, he saw me. Gosh I miss him now and need him more than ever. He'd know he'd get it. He'd know it because of his training as well as by paying attention to me, seeing me

It hurts, I hurt. No one to talk to about this. Been a bit and still haven't shared it. NO one would get it. Nope don't want pity, don't want advice, don't want to hear about xyz their challenge with bipolar so I need to do what they did.

That's the story wanting closeness and not being able to manage it. Before it was not being able to show up, now it is just not wanting to. Not out of depression but out of this isolation that there is this huge part of my life this huge thing that I have learned about myself this year and no one would understand.

Maybe it's too much, but I have held a few people very close. Close enough to be myself and feel loved. I can't fake it if I tried, don't like superficial relationships and make no room in my life for them. If it doesn't seem like we are capable of really sharing, thinking, debating and have an open heart than I'd don't let the relationship continue.

So here with this lump in my throat and this pain in my heart I stand alone with God. But really isn't that all anyone really has. Someone said Life is a solitary journey and how true it is.

yes I have the things that would look like life is good. Folks don't know I haven't had a real kiss in over five years and yes have been married a lot longer. Beautiful kids wonderful home, great community. In the end of life and even now all that stuff is stuff. I live for my kids. Yes I know that is not healthy and it's what I've got

I am really sad today, it could be 1 million times worse. Another day in paradise and how dare I complain. Oh well