Hey, here's my update as promised, you've been so nice yesterday and I wanted to let you know how it went.
It went definitely better, and I wasn't as tired as last week. I was terrified to make the session frustrating as again, T was there for me and had to leave and it was her bday (she didn't tell me, I know it because when I was referred I googled her before we met to see in whose hands I was going and the only thing I found was her birth date on the official psychologists register of my country and that's it). She even thanked me for allowing the change.

I didn't have the guts to say all those things in the end, but once there I forgot about my purpose of having a superficial session and asked T to help me tell my parents about my ed. She knows it's a big/terrifying thing for me and was surprised and very engaged actually. She understood I didn't want to talk about abuse today and we focused on the ed thing as it's a big step. It was a deep session but I didn't add shame as it was more about feelings and ideas for the big talk that we were considering together and I don't think I spoiled anyone's day (yeah I can't help worrying about that so far). so I had a fruitful session without the shame I felt subjected to. I'm relieved now, I do need to balance sessions indeed.. you helped me so much yesterday

At the next session on abuse I'll feel the same horrible way, BUT I've prepared a letter where I explained what I wrote here yesterday so that I can hand it to her when words are missing, hoping it can help us both - and that I'm brave enough to actually give it to T.