I'm starting to feel down and down. My past and my 'future' are haunting me.
I never cut myself or something like that...this will seem kinda stupid and I'm Sorry if I trigger or insult anyone...there are sometimes when I want to feel pain and punish myself and I think the best way to do that is like the old times...a tree branch hitting your legs everyday, the angry spanking almost everyday by random stupid 'mistakes'. Not any branch, just a good one chosen with criteria, hiden beyond house's doors, just in case. For me there's no physical pain better than that.
There's nothing better then hide yourself so nobody couldn't see you cry, there's nothing better than being beaten when you are crying because you had been beaten and they just want you to shut up. Pain to calm down the pain.
Who cares, who would believe me. Who would believe in a girl that hadn't a real mother to teach her how to be a girl? A mother that made me hate every step I went through to become a women, that made myself feel ashamed for being a women? That gave me plenty of reasons to look to the other girls of my age and feel ashamed of who I am, and uncomfortable around them.
What kind of father spanked you badly in the middle of the night because he wanted to sleep and heard your whispering voice coming from your bedroom. I just could keep going on and on and on. But I feel sad now and I'm tired of my secrets, I'm tired of hiding everything that makes me sad and that I can't share.