I experienced my first depression at age 10 or 11. I think it was hormonal shifts at the start of puberty that set it off. I remember staring into the mirror and hating myself, and wishing I was dead. I was convinced I would die by the time I was 17, and I started living life accordingly. I remember closing my eyes and running into the street into oncoming traffic. I did that quite a few times at that age.

I was in and out of depression from 10-13, and then I started cycling, although I had no idea that was what was happening at the time. I would have periods of happy hypomania, but most of my teens was spent in really agitated mixed states. I did really dangerous stuff all the time because I was convinced I was going to die young, and I didn't care. It wasn't suicide attempts, just very reckless behavior. I was very depressed, but also had a lot of adventures and excitement, so things were fun in a way. It's hard to explain. It was a very painful time, but also an exciting time because it felt like anything was possible and crazy stuff happened all the time. It;s only looking back at it now that I can see what was happening.