i've been struggling to behave for six months now. i didn't throw out my box cutters, i hid them in various locations throughout my home. and i visit them occasionally, but have kept the relationship strictly platonic. i'm having a bad week and right now my nails aren't doing it for me. i'm cheating. i grew my nails long and sharp and lately i've been using them to scratch the crap out of myself. i've been doing the happy normal sunshine thing for five hours here and i'm losing my fricking mind. what i'd like to do is cut and watch the blood run down my arm. i'm a head case. i'm aware of this fact. i sort of care about how many people know that because i don't want to lose my kids. i don't want to be a medicated zombie either. i'm in purgatory, on the border of hell. i'm f'in miserable.