Thanks for all the replies so far! I too have known I was different since as far as I can remember, but always attributed that to my high anxiety and just being a general weirdo. I was never suicidal until I was 13, but I slant an inordinate time in fantasies when I was a child, many of them consisting of me being gravely ill or injured. I always thought that was more of an attention thing though.

I do wish I could remember my teens and early twenties better. The ECT really did a number on me, erasing memories from the year prior and the year after. The rest of my teens were so unsettled (I spent a LOT of time away from home in different programs) I just can't remember what I felt. Except there was a clear vein of anger and defiance in the group home that continued afterward, punctuated by periods of black depression.