I'm in a relationship of 4 months, and I can't even be sure if it means anything to him. He has turned into this really arrogant, insensitive person with no conscience or sense of empathy...

Although undiagnosed, I can be all too certain that I am suffering from some form of depression/experiencing mental health problems, and have been for about 2 years now [I'm 17 by the way].

Last year, I made 3 suicide attempts; one due to a different relationship, and the other two I think were triggered by my own thoughts conjuring up, staying home alone, shutting myself off, etc. and/or problems within the family; arguments, my nan who is in ill-health, and so on.

I also have difficulty in fighting the urge to self-harm. Most recently, I managed about 4 and a half months without cutting, but broke that chain today, with deeper cuts than ever before.

My boyfriend is always making jokes about suicide, depression and self-harm. At first, it was nothing; he didn't know me THAT well, and it wasn't aimed at me... Then it got a bit grating and slightly distressing, and I would politely ask him to stop, as I do not find it funny [still not telling him why at this point]... Things came to a head this week, and I broke down in front of him after a few days of him seeming distant from me, and an episode of depression that seemed to be kicking in. This was when we had probably our only sensitive, serious conversation that begun with me saying "Do you still love me?" He said he did, and listened to me when I eventually got into some brief detail as to why I never appreciate him making the jokes about self-harm, suicide, depression, etc; but I only sort of vaguely said that it was because that's how I used to be...

So I guess I half lied there; the depression has never disappeared, and at the time of the conversation, I hadn't harmed or considered ways to commit suicide in ages.

The next day, it was like that conversation never took place. He continued the whole distant thing, and the jokes. He has wanted to see me less, and I guess I can't be surprised, even if I did only vaguely mention that I have trouble dealing with life; nobody wants a partner that they could lose any day, or a partner that is miserable.

Over last night and today, this has probably been the hardest point in this relationship, and I guess life too, on my half. All last night, I kept a blade by my side, and next to my bed, and merely managed to fight the urge until this morning. I thought about the guy I love, and what he has become, what we have become, etc, etc. It's all too much for me.

The worse thing to think is, that my ex would understand, and just for the support and empathy, I can't stop thinking about him, and I want to go back to him, despite him also having similar problems and causing me almost as much pain; but at least he understands.

I was getting better, really, I was; he seemed amazing, the solution, the one. But he's turning out just like the others, and it's building up along with family problems and is making me like this again.

I am considering suicide once again, and can't stop cutting. I'm heart-broken, and numb. Yet, I love him too much to leave [though, it's more than likely that he wants it to end, but doesn't have the balls]. What can I do?