I feel like throwing all my meds in the garbage so I can see what would happen. I want to know where my unaffected brain chemistry would take me. It would probably lead to disaster, but at least I would feel something. As it is I am only half alive. I don't see my pdoc for another month, and even if I did, she won't want to make any changes. I'm not convinced any changes would help anyway, since what I want back is intensity and adventure, and medication doesn't do that. I feel like I should be grateful for my stable life, good job, nice apartment, improved reputation... but I'm not. I just want to destroy it. I know it's pretty childish to think this way, but it's stuck in my mind.

Like the Smiths say "if the day came when I felt a natural emotion, I'd get such a shock I'd probably jump in the ocean." I can't remember what a natural emotion feels like. It might be scary, but maybe it's worth the risk. I don't know why I'm so intent on destroying myself.