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I know I shouldn’t complain. Today isn’t horrendous… but it really isn’t a good day. That should mean that it’s neutral, right? I feel so conflicted about this.
I mean, my depression doesn’t feel like it’s actively kicking me in the gut. Typically, I am at one end of the spectrum or the other. Today, I can breathe without pain from simply existing, but I’m not zombie-numb either… I’m somewhere in the middle. But there is still an absence... an absence of self?
I’m not sure if this makes sense… but I feel like I’m lacking the ability to feel …anything other than useless.
It’s not like I expected to wake up happy. Usually, I wake up wishing… that I didn’t. I wish that it was still night, that I could go back to sleep.
It’s like there is this invisible barrier that I just can’t break through. It’s keeping me contained.
I don’t want to feel sad. I don’t expect to feel elated. But today is one of those days that I woke up KNOWING that I wouldn’t be able to DO ANYTHING. I won’t be productive. I go through the motions. Let the dog out, take care of the woodstove, make coffee, feed the dog, etc….. It’s not until I start to feel sick that I realize I haven’t fed myself.
I know that sitting, reading, and/or watching TV will not make me feel better or help my problems. But I just can’t get through my own barrier. I needed a distraction to waste away the hours. I found a new book on my kindle. I was hoping to get lost in it. Distract myself long enough… until I could go back to bed. It was the WRONG book to read. It should have had a trigger warning on it. I’m trying to push myself through reading until the end, hoping that the character will overcome and triumph… but I just can’t. And now I feel worse. The book’s character is doing better than I am and dealing with bigger problems than me.
What am I supposed to do with myself when I can’t FORCE myself to do ANYTHING? Sit here and be miserable. Feel sorry for myself like some sort of pathetic being. If I could give my life to some one who deserves it, I would. There are people dying out there from illness or wasting away from injury that would do SO MUCH MORE with their life than me if only given HALF the chance.
Today, I am pathetic. Tomorrow can not come soon enough… it could be different… right? Dear god, I hope so. I have to hope… If I don’t have faith in the POSSIBILITY, then I truly have nothing.
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