I miss you and I wish you helped me shore up for a difficult weekend before going on your trip.

I think your trip is stupid. I think your message to me before the trip was stupid. I think your choice to brush off my DBT plan was very stupid. I think I am stupid for letting you do that, but I wasn't feeling good enough to advocate for it... I just kept following your lead. I don't know how to tell you how I'm doing, which is pretty hellish, without starting a fight, because I'm so mad that you left me like this. It's not your fault. I have to stop being blaming, you always say it does no good... but what about accountability. What about you not learning, time after time, that I NEED help and not giving it to me. You want to put me on the table and dissect my feelings though I've already laid them all out for you, so clearly, in writing, to give us time to help me hold my guts together a few days when I really need to. You don't care. You like to see them all laid out.

You don't share my fear of falling apart. If you'd done it... you would.

It's hard to stop crying and feeling like I'm breaking. I don't know what I'll say to you when you return. I can't see the point of this work we're doing when I'm in such pain. Then again, in other moments, I can. This is me... stressed out beyond my capacity. We talk about stress-meters... 1-10. My normal is a 5, and improving with treatment. Today... this is a 9. I'm trying not to think about scary things right now.

I am better than this. I'm better than bad communication and feeling like a petulant child and being afraid of a breakdown. I am better than this. But it helps to be reminded... and there's no one to remind me.

I need to remember: this feeling did not occur in isolation. This isn't me just randomly acting crazy.

Here's February:

Coworker & I have to decide which 6 of our 12 person team to lay off.
Lay them off.
Deal with three of them staying around two weeks, making for a sad, awkward work environment.
Take on the work of two of the six, in addition to my normal 60 hour per week job workload.
Attend a demanding full-time college course.
Have my husband home ill with the flu for two days.
Deal with the reality of living with him while not sure if our marriage will last.
Have my daughter home five days with the flu and on holiday.
Have a death in the family.
Cut back on therapy.
Deal with debt straightforward... no more money shuffling.
Deal with my husband telling kiddo we were going to get divorced if she didn't behave better.
Deal with their fighting.
Deal with her Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
Deal with her anxiety.
Find out it seemed he's been paying for online sex shows, which turned out to probably be credit card theft, also stressful.
Miss my therapist as she changed two appointments and isn't available.
Get sick.
Triggering dental procedure.
Triggering encounter w/homeless man.
Deal with serious topics in therapy, exposing and uncomfortable.

It wasn't all bad, but.... is it any wonder I'm completely overwhelmed right now. It shouldn't be. And if we add the PTSD to the mix, sigh.