I've been thru so many relationships... this last one was supposed to be it. He pursued me like crazy, while I had my guard up for a while, eventually I gave in at his persistence. So we moved in together, talked of marriage and kids. I knew him for a couple of years before dating.. he was a self-proclaimed commitment-phobe.. so I wasn't interested in dating him. But it's flattering when a handsome, well-off guy pursues you... he was very convincing that he was in it for the long-haul. I know he wasn't trying to intentionally mislead me ..but that's exactly what he did. He was supposed to be my friend.. and he'd say I was his best friend. But almost overnight we were over.. yes we had some issues but I thought we were in love and were going to work on communication, boundaries, etc.. we were so compatible in so many ways.. not a perfect match but I'm not expecting perfection. Anyway, the bottom line is that he doesn't really know who he is and he has been hiding from himself for a long time - hiding out in relationships, med school, being busy constantly... so he's going to find himself. Great, good for him.
The problem is that I am so tired of being the catalyst for guys to improve themselves - I don't want anymore emotionally unavailable, broken men.. I want a whole, healthy, mature man who knows himself and what he wants. I don't know why this is so hard.
I'm depressed now. Fatigued and despondent. It's so hard to invest in someone, to trust them, just to have it fall apart over and over. And at this rate I don't know if I'll ever find anyone. I really loved him. I do know how to love. I don't need him. But I do want a mate. I'm tired of getting involved wasting a year to several years and then having it end. This one was different though, on a day to day basis I was really happy, he seemed happy but it was just an act. I like a lot about myself and my life but surely there still must be unhealed wounds in me for me to be continually attracting emotionally unavailable (and often selfish, narcissistic) men.
Why is it so hard?