I understand how you feel I used to be like that ...... well sometimes i still like that but , my doctor told me that this was because I was very impulsive. And as you I left my med and got worst. I got so bad that I wouldn't eat at all, to the point that I had to go to the hospital because when I tried to eat I couldn't hold down the food. With this said, my advise to you is to seek for help even though you feel like your odds are never in your favor and you feel like there is no way out of how you feel. And about your bf or ex-bf, (I've been there to) think of it like this " I need to help my self and get well so that I can share my live with someone as I wish they share it with me"
Belive me it does not help to have someone in your live that doesn't make yoy feel better than your depression makes you feel.
I hope this helps you
I send my love

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