I usually don't respond to any of the SI's out here because I don't like to give advice to anyone unless I know from experience what they are going through, but I'm going to give this a try. But first, would you PLEASE help me to understand why ANYONE who is hurting as bad as you obviously are, want to inflict MORE pain on yourselves? Why would you lend Your strength to those who are hurting you? I used to do things like that when I was younger, but I'm 44 now and can not for the life of me remember what kind of satisfaction I gained from it. I only hurt myself while the ones who drove me To that point were not affected by it. I'm NOT judging you, I just really need to understand, because I Do want to help you!