Thank you all. I appreciate the kind words. Stuckinrut, I have little energy too anymore for love. Each time it takes more out of me. This time I really thought it was going to be different because I knew him as a friend, I expressed to him that my last relationship took a lot out of me (was w/a bonafide narcissist) and that I was healthy and in a good place but that I couldn't bear to go through any more heartache.. so I said essentially, be careful with my heart. I thought he got the message and I trusted him. He is a good guy in many ways - very kind, thoughtful, and generous.. so I know he didn't intentionally hurt me he just is emotionally stunted (he agrees with this fact - not just my evaluation). I have done therapy over the years, I've gotten to a place where I felt at ease in the world, happy w/ who I am... but the old abandonment issues still keep haunting me. Maybe it's not all me though, maybe it's just that I had envisioned a healthy, happy relationship where we had a friendship as a foundation.... and he just happened to be stunted and lost... Which is fine, but the thing that upsets me the most is that he misrepresented who he was and what he wanted. I feel betrayed.
The thing was we seemed to have a good relationship, at least a good foundation, people said they thought we were great together.. that we looked so happy and natural together. Both at the age where marrying seems right (not that that really matters).
We are, I suppose the anxious and avoidant types, me being the anxious one obviously. The more he pulls away the more I push for closeness.. it's an awful and draining and humiliating pattern...makes me feel so weak. I really was strong, I felt, before I got involved w/ him. Now I have to pick up the pieces again.
The stress has taken a toll on my health too, I just feel weak, I know it's partly depression but I know my adrenals are tired too.
So here I am, tired and alone.. in addition to the overwhelming fatigue and loneliness, I really have no idea now what I am doing with my life. I'm in a small-ish town and even though I own my own home I'm probably going to have to leave.. limited work available and dating prospects rare. And this is quite sad because I love my home and my town, I have pets and it'd be hard to move (moving seems close to impossible right now w/ the fatigue and depression).. but I'm just wasting my life away here. It all seems kind of pointless.
Thanks again for the kindness. This is probably a rambling post, indicative of my foggy, confused brain right now.