Im really sorry for keep posting, but I am really lost. I don't know where to turn. I really cannot handle it. Please, can somebody just help me, PLEASE?
I have told my story before, but I will again for anyone who hasn't seen it.
3 years ago, I met a him and it has changed my life, forever.
A bit of background... I'd just broken up with my boyfriend of two years who made me feel worthless, he was one of the first people I let get close to me. He didn't help me through my depression (self harm/suicide attempts), he lied to me, told me he never loved me, etc.
Then I met 'him', I was 14, he was 17. I was so depressed, suicidal, self harming upto 40 times a day, at least 20 anyway. He had a girlfriend. I know it was wrong of me but I fell in love with him, he said he loved me and I was vulnerable and stupid enough to believe him.
Anyway, he was so nice go start with, acted as if he cared about my self harm and then things turned sexual and he didn't care anymore. I would go to his house and perform a sexual act on him because he asked me to (i never wanted to or enjoyed it, it wasn't passionate, it was like a routine, its what he wanted so I gave him it because I wanted him to love/need me so bad). Anyway, he kept asking for oral sex over a period of weeks and I kept saying no, not while you have a girlfriend, anyway he broke up with her. And the night came... He asked for oral sex. I said yes. I DONT KNOW WHY. I didn't want to do it. I never had. I was 14. I didn't want him to laugh or be disappointed. I didn't want him to leave me. So I STUPIDLY said yes. I got down there and really didn't want to, like really bad, I didn't know how to get out of it. I didn't want to look stupid, I didn't want him to not need me. So I kept trying to make myself want to, but I couldn't. He kept moving my head towards it, Im sure he was saying please, I pulled my head away a few times, and he kept moving it towards his penis (Not aggressively though, I didn't feel scared, I might have been nervous laughing I DONT KNOW ), anyway after I moved away a few times, one of the times I got close to his penis, he tries to push it in, I think it went in, just for a second. Then I pulled away. It stopped then. I had his 'pre-ejaculate' on my cheek, Ive never EVER felt so DIRTY in my life. Again. STUPIDLY. I ended up performing another sexual act on him because either he asked or I said I would because I was scared he would leave.
Im so angry at myself. This CONTROLS my life. I've been told SO many times it was sexual assault. And I keep starting to believe it, then I don't think I can accept it, so I make excuses.
Was this wrong? Was it sexual assault? Was it my fault?
I feel so dirty and cheap. I cant sleep because of it, I've tried to take my life because of it, I harm myself because of it, I cant eat properly because of it, I cant have a proper sexual relationship with my boyfriend of two years because of it, Im scared of men because of it.
I sometimes think he's near me and get so scared. I freeze. I cry and panic almost everyday.
Im confused and lost.
Im attending therapy and I am looking into starting therapy for 'sexual assault but I feel so stupid going if it wasn't even that.
Im so sorry. I know this is such a pathetic post. I know this is such a little problem, but I cant move on and Im scared and lost and alone and confused. Please somebody help me.