Assault or abuse it should never have happened as you were a child. I think the most important thing here is for you to forgive yourself as it appears to me you are punishing yourself for something that was not your fault. You were abused. It happened and it is over now. He can't hurt you anymore unless you let him by reliving the situation. Keep up the therapy. You are confused because you were a child, so you feel guilty and unsure of what really went on. You didn't ask for it to happen and I believe you are now suffering from flashbacks due to possible ptsd. Please ask for as much help as you need and try and forgive yourself. If a 14 year old child came to you and told you this had happened to her, what advice would you give her and how outraged would you feel for her? Think about it. Hugs and best wishes to you xx